Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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