I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
