Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
