i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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