So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
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successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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