her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
being pregnant is like rehab
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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