i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
