So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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