nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
