Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
