The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
that is very illegal...i love you.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
