Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
