you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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