I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
A bitchslap is in order.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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