If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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