does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
