You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
