Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
