So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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