I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
