He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She's just so happy...and so naked.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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