you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
