I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
there is glitter all over my balls
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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