Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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