i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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