walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
