So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
