Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
