Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Bring me that man meat
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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