when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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