You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
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Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
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You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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