Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
