Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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