My boss' voice literally gives me gas
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
