I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
