You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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