She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
