Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
