yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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