apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
