It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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