She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
When did angry sex become our thing?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
