I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
