btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
