the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
