It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
