TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
