a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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