apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
