So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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