FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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