i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
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