You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
