i need an iv and a liver transplant
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
