so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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