can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
