Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class